Still Feeling Like a Pumpkin

 

I am still feeling like a pumpkin.  I am being lazy.  I'm feeling discouraged that I'm not losing ANY weight and my eating habits are getting lazy so I am gaining - a pound or two one day then down one day but back up two the next.  I'm not feeling full AT ALL!  I was hoping to be down to 155 pounds by the time my hubby, Stefan, and I went to San Francisco this weekend for a family function but I failed me and I'm stuck at 161.  Yes yes, I'm still almost 40 pounds down but not quite.  True it is almost "that time" of the month but I can't be retaining just water.  I need to cut out the snacking. I need to be strong!

LapBandTalk.com is fun - I've joined the Halloween Scary October Challenge and my goal is to be down to 154 by October 29 and to help things along I joined another fun challenge on LapBandTalk.com, the 60 mile challenge for October.  I just have to complete 60 miles by October 31.  I joined the group late but I'm in right now at 15 miles.  I'm hoping to get a lot more miles in this week!

I accompanied my four-year old on her fieldtrip to the Pumpkin Patch this morning and I looked at all the skinny moms, I even looked at the skinny dads.  I wondered what they ate and if they were disciplined.  I looked at the pumpkins and all the shapes and sizes they came in and and I spotted a big round pumpkin in the patch and thought of me.  I am still feeling like a big round pumpkin - my food discipline needs to change but so does my attitude about myself.  

With 1.5 miles already in for the day, I'm going to try to get 2-3 more miles in tonight when it cools down. 

It's Halloween Time - the weather is changing and so is my new internal stomach.  I had my Month 2 follow up today with Dr. Ellner and I'm down another pound.  I was hoping for a fill but she said I needed to resolve my issues with eating before this happens and she said I'm still losing weight so she doesn't think I will need a fill for awhile - or at all.  Some of my take-aways for this appointment,

• My liquid protein intake needs to increase.  I thought I needed to have 90 grams of total protein a day but I have to take in 60-80 liquid protein and more using my 2 meals.
• I have to get my blood work done in two weeks, in time for my 3 month follow up
• I need to do a better job of taking my vitamins and B Complex - no more "forgetting"
• Buy a Heart Monitor! I need to make sure I'm doing cardio 5x a week and weight lifting at least 4x a week
• Stop drinking coffee, even decaf, it has Xanthene, an appetite stimulant
• Even though it's been hard to get full - I need to get my brain trained to eat to just get rid of the low blood sugar - once my headache, or grumpiness goes away, stop eating. Food is to be used as fuel - not comfort

So before any fill happens, if it happens at all, I need to work on these issues.

My family and I went to Disneyland and Disney CA for our annual family vacation and we had a blast.  We were exhausted but even with the few bad items (a handful of Doritos, some popcorn and one chocolate covered pretzel) - it was easy to stay on course with liquid protein and protein meals.  I lost two lbs on the trip but gained the weight back the following day upon our return. 

The doctor is confident the weight will come off if I can focus on a few points that won't sabotage my weight-loss - more liquid protein during the day and more exercise!  Tis' the Season for change. 

I Remember...

Today is a hard day for me. On 9/11/2001, I was six months VERY pregnant and Stefan was in Vegas for a trade show when the events of the day unfolded.   I now realize what is must have been like for our grandparents when they talked about WWII or Pearl Harbor.  I couldn't relate to their pain, I can now.  I have been glued to reruns and accounts of 9/11, I watch 9/11 movies (United 93).  I am exhausted every night but I feel like the events of 9/11 just happened. 

When the Big So Cal Blackout happened on Thursday of last week, I had the girls with me and when more information unfolded and cell service was interrupted, I immediately became hyper-focused and calm and thought that it could possibly be a terrorist attack of sorts. It took three hours to get home from school and lots of coordinating with my sister and cousin as SDSU to make sure all were safe.  Thank goodness it wasn't anything but a horrible accident apparently by one employee working on a power line that cut off service to five million people for 12 hours - yikes.

I did fall into some bad habits during this last week - stress eating.  I ate Fritos, I drank lots of wine in one sitting (in the dark during the blackout), and I ate fries (only six). I do try to get back on track every day and plan out meals and even make sure to take in more protein via beverages.  I did lose a pound so I feel good about that.

I received a wonderful gift this week of clothes money. I'm going to buy pants or skirts that will get me through the rest of my weight loss.  Yay.

I also started exercising with the weight ball, 10 lbs.  It's not much but it is a start.

Today I remember those who lost their lives during 9/11/2011 and the families they left behind.  I kiss my sweet babies a lot more.  I give thanks to the men, women and families of service, past and present, who serve and I honor their sacrifice.  And on this day, I even remind myself of what it was like to carry 40 additional pounds and how my food choices shortened my life span but how my choices now give me back control and buy me more time with my family because you never know when it might be your last day.

Feeling Full...NOT!

I've graduated!  I'm now on "real" foods but I'm still eating mushy foods.  My one-month appointment with Dr. Ellner went fantastic.  She doesn't feel like I need a fill at this point.  I did mention my concern about not being able to eat salads - she said it may take time but that salads were not out of the question for most of her patients.  I just have to ease into it.  I was so excited about this news.

For the first time in my life I was told I was ahead of the curve - I'm usually ON the curve - my protein intake has my body burning fat instead of eating muscle so of the 37 pounds I've lost, 36 has been fat and I've only lost 1 lb. muscle.  I now have to work on incorporating weights to help in the weight loss.  The doctor is very excited about my progress and it feels like a great place to renew my excitement about this process.

It's almost time..."girl time" and my attitude and feeling of a bottomless pit is strong!  The doctor says to just go with it to just get through but get back on track as soon as possible. She wasn't too worried about it but I can't seem to get full!  This worries me!

I didn't pass the movie test.  The girls and I went to the movies yesterday after we took the car to the shop for an oil change.  We walked to the mall (only a .25 mile) then sat down to watch "Spy Kids 4D."  All of us had hot dogs (mine was minus the bun) but I finished the entire dog.  The girls had popcorn.  I tried and tried and tried to resist the popcorn - I really did try but I lost the battle!  I caved in but I ate one kernel at a time and really tried to enjoy it.  And oh, I enjoyed it.  Too bad I did - how can I win this battle?

My clothes are fitting better - actually they're falling off me.  I have to hold my pants up a lot.  My underwear are actually falling as well.  Thank goodness I'm not wearing skirts. 

I am excited about this time in my life.  I like that my girls know that I'm doing this for them. They have been so supportive and Iliana let's everyone know that I can only eat "mushy foods."

A New Day!

Convocation Day at SDSU for my little sis, Yvonne (Ivy).  We are so proud of her.  I can't believe she's starting College!  I can't believe I'm so old and have an 18 year old sister! What an exciting adventure for her.  It was a full day for all of us, including my step-mom. I thought about Yvonne starting her new adventure and I thought about my own adventure with my lap band - what will my eating habits be, four years from now when Yvonne graduates?  Today at lunch while 3 out of 5 of us had pasta and 1 out of 5 had fries and a wrap (in tortilla), I ate hummus (no pita).  Four years from now at Yvonne's graduation, will I be celebrating her graduation with a bite of pasta, or a petite filet, or will I be eating strained yogurt and some hummus?


Wherever my lap band journey takes me, I'll just have to remember that I did this because my dad's poor health, one passed down to me through his genes, is what took him away from seeing his youngest daughter start college. I did this to see my children go to college.

Popcorn and my Psychiatrist

Stefan and I went to my second Lap Band Support Group last night and a lot of topics were addressed for the three post-op attendees. 

I brought up how I was feeling like I wish I had been informed more about the foods I would not be able to eat.  I don't know if I'm feeling regret about having surgery - I don't have a choice now - I have a device stitched around my stomach and have a port/tube type leash attached to the band.  It's now a part of me. 

I guess my issue is that I was lead to believe that I would eventually be able to eat most of the foods I had before - not true.  Some of the "not allowed" foods include - bread, pasta, tortillas, desserts, popcorn, nuts, rice, and right now (and possibly forever) steaks, chops, raw veggies or fibrous veggies. 

One of the group members said I was obsessing too much on the diet and the foods.  Well, yeah!  I can't eat most of the foods that I thought I'd be able to eat.  Yes, I'm still just in my second week of mushy foods and will transition soon to semi-solid foods but I'm nervous about throwing-up or "PBing" (Productive Burping - basically throwing up but a term that banders use).  I don't want to clog up my band and have to have emergency surgery because I clogged up the opening with tortilla. 

So what will I be able to eat?   I had some popcorn last night - I made some for the girls and I couldn't resist - yes, I'm weak!  I felt OK eating it - most bandsters from the LapBandTalk.com forum mentioned that for them, popcorn was a "slider food" and that they had no problem with it.  I was OK with the 5 handfuls I ate but I had a stomach ache before bed.  So 2-3 handfuls might be my limit. 

Now I have the overwhelming guilt thinking of the popcorn that is possibly sitting in my stomach!

Dr. Shapiro gave us a homework assignment before our next meeting, we're to go to the movies and NOT have popcorn.  She asked, "why do you feel you need to have popcorn or something to eat while you watch a movie?"  Hmm?  Because it makes me feel good!  I know, I get it but still - what a test, right?

Then on the way home from the session, Stefan and I were stopped in traffic for a bit because a guy was on a freeway bridge about to jump and traffic was stopped while negotiators tried to talk him down.  My food disorder, my popcorn guilt and the rest of my worries didn't seem so bad after seeing this guy about to leap off the bridge. 

One Month Post-Op!

It's been one month since surgery and things are good - very good.  This photo is me, in shorts (with my very white legs) but shorts none-the-less.  The kids and I were at the park with Kuma Steph and our lovely godchildren.  I had a great time being out, celebrating with a little stroll and sunshine. 

I started mushy foods this weekend with some of my first meals being greek yogurt or ricotta with pureed spaghetti sauce also refried beans.  My weight-loss has started but I can tell you that going from 300-500 calories to 800 calories a day really makes a difference in how one feels.  Once I can get used to these calories I will get more exercise in and take the last 20 lbs. off to meet my goal.  

Stefan and I are heading up to the Bay Area in a few weeks to celebrate my cousin's engagement and I'm really hoping to lose at least another 5-10 lbs. 

School/work is about to start back up and I've seen a lot of colleagues - some are noticing the weight loss and some are not.  At first I didn't think I'd mind that folks didn't notice the weight loss but I do - why?  Am I really that vain?  I thought I was losing the weight for my health?  Why should I care that folks notice?

More fun Before/After pictures coming soon.

Pain & Hunger

Last night I was almost in tears because I was so hungry. I have one more week before I officially start mushy foods but Stefan saw how hungry I was and said, "let's try a scrambled egg." I couldn't resist! I tried it and it was THE BEST egg ever. I chew chew chewed and drank water very slowly with it.

Today, my lil lil sister, Yvonne, arrived from the Fresno area and is now a San Diego resident. She's staying with us until she's able to move into her College Dorm. So cool! Stefan and I are excited about her new adventure.

Work is crazy - very very busy with registration tomorrow. I also pushed myself today - hurt myself because the Tylenol is still not working. I went to CostCo after work by myself and tried to put my groceries in the car by myself. So stupid!

For dinner I broke down again and age another scrambled egg - yummy.

Where the heck in my Unjury Chocolate protein powder? My new fave because when mixed with Unsweetened Almond Milk I feel as if I'm drinking "real chocolate milk." Five days since the order was placed and apparently it is still in Bloomington, CA? Where is Bloomington?

All this stress, all this excitement - this is when I would have turned to lots of alcohol and food - but I didn't. I did a bit with the egg and an extra treat of fro-yo but still about 700 calories today.

I am exhausted beyond belief but my spirits are high! Now let's continue with the weight loss, shall we?

I "LOST" my four-year old!

I weighed Iliana (my four-year old), last night and she weighed in at 35.5 pounds. As of today, I have lost 35.8 pounds! I "lost" my four-year old (in weight). I can't wait until I'm able to pick up Iliana again to really find out how much extra weight I was carrying! I still have about 23 pounds to my goal weight of 140 - wow. I still have a week and a half of liquid foods. I wonder how much more I'll lose in the next two weeks.

Tomorrow is my follow up with Dr. Ellner. I have my questions ready for her. I'm excited and nervous about what we'll discuss. What I really want to know if when I can start eating mushy foods! I dream of mushy foods.

Yesterday, I introduced Almond Milk (Unsweetened) and used it as my liquid with protein powder today - wow, it was definitely yummy to my taste buds.

Two Weeks and Half Way to Healthy!

As of today, I'm past my half way weight loss. I'm down 33 lbs and have 24 to go to meet my goal weight. I'm also two weeks post-op. My doctor post-op appt. has been rescheduled to Monday and I am very excited about it.

Surprisingly, I'm still feeling pain when I sit and when I lay down. Moving around is much better. I feel much more helpful. I'm excited to get back to work on Monday but will probably have to take it easy. I also am excited to drive again - I can drive tomorrow.

Yesterday, I had one of those mini ice cream cups (just plain Vanilla). I was feeling very low sugar and Stefan and I couldn't see any reason that I couldn't have it. I just have to know that I cannot have it all the time.

I'm counting down the days to mushy foods and all I do is imagine the possibilities that await my new eating adventure. The lapbandtalk.com forum has been an invaluable source of information. One of the topics I've joined has great information about getting back into eating and socializing (my triggers). Another topic has been helpful in understanding "PB" - it is like throwing up for bandsters - it stands for Productive Burp - burping up food and slime. Sounds scary, right? Yes it does!

The ride home from Mammoth was horribly painful - we really tried to take breaks but it was still bad. Resting today will really help. What a great family vacation and an amazing way to recoup.

Recouping with Scenery!

The second half of my recoup is being spent at a family vacation (Vukotich Seniors and Juniors) for our very first family trip together to Mammoth. The 9 hour drive up (because we had to make stops every 50-60 minutes at the doctor's advice) was brutal and very painful but we made it OK. My wonderful in-laws are really letting me take it easy. We went fishing yesterday with the girls and had a blast. Nana caught a 19 inch trout that weighed a little over 3 pounds - WOW!!! It was so cool to watch it happen. Lots of fun pictures to share when we return.

My port wound seems to hurt the most and my back is still killing me. Breathing seems much better so the hernia wound must be healing. Still not getting sleep.

I tried to eat the broth from French Onion soup at a restaurant the other night but it did not agree with me - too many spices or something. Sticking to one protein type and having broth for dinner along with sugar-free jello.

Today we're going to take it easy and do a small walk at Devil's Postpile after lunch.

What A Week...

I'm a week out and what a week it has been. I thought by now I would be feeling better but I'm still hurting. Pain, pain, pain. Today the girls and I walked to 7-11 so I could pick up milk. We walked about a mile and after our 7-11 trip I took them to the donut store for a quick treat and so I could rest. The walk did me in. The other day Stefan and I went to Target to pick up last minute supplies for our Mammoth trip and just the walk around the store was too much.

Wednesday was also the first Lap-Band support group at Alvarado Hospital with Dr. Shapiro. It was a small group which consisted of a patient who was 6 weeks post-op and one patient who was two weeks pre-op. It was a great to share stories with one another. We're looking forward to next month's group.

Today Dr. Shapiro had a request from a pre-op patient to connect with me to get more information about the procedure. I contacted this person today and had a great conversation. Of the patients that I've met on the LapBandTalk.com forum or the couple I've met at group, the person I spoke with today and I had a lot in common in regards to our concerns about the procedure and of our future with this very permanent tool. Listening to my new friend and feeling pain, I actually had a moment where I questioned my decision to have lap-band.

I'm down to 169 lbs. I can't remember when I weighed that much last. What happens when I start eating three weeks from now? My follow up with Dr. Ellner is next Friday. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I pray that this new beginning was the right decision for me and my family.

No Gain - Still Some Pain

The good pain meds from the hospital have left my body so the last couple of days has been about dealing with the normal aches and pains from surgery. I have had no problems getting my minimum water or protein intake. Today I actually had a bit of Sugar-Free Jello with my dinner protein drink. Sleep patterns are off and I'm sleeping in about 3-4 hour increments.

I am so lucky to have such wonderful help. Dad & Jean (Jedo & Nana) had the kiddos yesterday and Auntie Sha Sha (Patricia) sat with me yesterday and made sure I didn't do laundry or try to vacuum - she was on May patrol. We kicked back and watched movies. It drove me crazy not to do anything but I feel great today. Looking forward to the first support group meeting tomorrow night and to my follow up appointment with Dr. Ellner or Friday.

The wounds are starting to itch but they look good. Just took another dose of pain meds so I'm off to La-La land for a bit.

Recovery

Resting now. I feel OK. The pain meds really help and lots of laying around. I pushed myself a bit today. When Stefan went to work for a bit I tried to shower by myself then do some laundry. I also climbed the stairs a few times and now I'm paying for it.

Tonight is Slava (our family Saints Day) so the family is there tonight - The Vukotichs and Dabkovichs. I wish I was there but feel good that I'm resting.

I've had no problems taking down my protein or water so I feel good about that. And from all the meds and gas leaving my body - I'm down three pounds from this morning! Wow.

I also had some wonderful cheery additions to my recovery. Many thanks but most of all, thank you for the love and support.

The Day After...

Surgery Day was yesterday and all went well. Stefan and I checked in yesterday about 4:45 a.m. and we were home by 6:30 p.m. The actual surgery was only a little over an hour. I did have a hernia that they fixed and that pain hurts more than the actual scar sites. The nurses and staff at Alvarado Hospital were fantastic. So wonderful!

I'm up 5 pounds but I guess a lot of people gain weight on surgery day - all the IV and liquids and such they pump in you. My throat is very sore from the tube they had in me during surgery and I have a heating pad on a lot to help with the pain.

Stefan and I set up camp at home on the bottom floor in Talia's room so that I don't have to work with 3 floors to get to our room plus she has a huge TV in her room. The pain meds are great - it makes me a bit drowsy and feeling numb - perfect!

I can't thank you enough for your love and support. Your prayers and well wishes filled my heart and Stefan's heart. We are so very lucky to have you in our lives.

Pictures to be posted later when I get more energy.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow...

A message on the answering machine from the hospital told us that my check-in time changed from 7 a.m. to 5 a.m. so we had to get the kids ready tonight and get them packed up to stay the night with their grandparents. Talia is excited about going to Legoland with Camp Torreys tomorrow, Iliana is exhausted and was not in the best of moods and I am nervous. I had Stefan take the girls out to dinner because I just didn't want to be around food - also, I didn't want them to be around me because I'm very nervous. Nervous about the mortality rate (1 in 2000) and nervous about this new "thing" inside of me - my new tool to help me with my food battle.

One of my sister-friends, Susan, came over tonight and dropped off a care package of wonderful items and to give me a big hug. Items like those crazy socks that prevent blood clots, epsom salts, a heating pad, magazines, and just a host of other thoughtful gifts to help in my recovery. I went up to the shower - scrubbed down with my pre-op scrubber and cried. I cried because I feel blessed to have a wonderful family and friends who are like family. I cried because I'm nervous. I cried about the "what-ifs." And I cried because I'm excited about the hope this brings. I took my wedding rings off, tucked them in a drawer with a note to my family and finished my surgery packing.

Stefan took photos of me - boy, he needs photo lessons. But they really show "me" - in all my bigness - the real me. The old me. The once fat me.

I survived!

We had a busy Saturday (as usual) but I was afraid yesterday that being out and about would get the best of my hunger but I survived! We had a school playdate then two "family" birthdays (Happy Birthday Kyla and Happy Birthday Benjamin). I even helped serve cake yesterday and had no desire to eat. Don't get me wrong, I'm hungry and I even started getting those hunger cramps last night but I'm learning to move past it although I get very very tired. I have such a fantastic support system with "family" (my extended family of friends along with my wonderful husband and kids) - I can't imagine how people don't share their bariatric surgery news with all - hmmm, I just don't get it. I couldn't do it without them. I got to catch up on the lives of some very dear sister-friends - they're amazing people (Casey, Rici, Susan)! I'm down another pound since yesterday. I'm now down a total of 23 pounds. Home stretch - only 5 days until surgery!

Pre-Op Appointment: All is Well

My Pre-Op appointments went well yesterday. All is on schedule. Surgery is still on for next Friday (as long as I don't get sick). I was shuffled between the lab, radiology, two physicals and the last minute instructions by the doctor. I still feel horribly nervous about surgery but now at least all my questions are answered. The liquid diet is going well. I do feel hungry at times but I pray - I pray a lot for strength.

This journey is about the hope of rewriting my future. I just need to hang in there.

Let's Try This Again...

After many email exchanges over the last couple of days, I now have a rescheduled surgery date.  Moved from July 20th, the new date is Friday, July 22nd.  I get to keep the same Pre-Op appointment - this Friday, July 15.  Yay, back on track.  Many thanks for your well wishes - they really do help!

CHEATER!

I cheated.  I had two walnuts plus added peas & carrots (mushed up) to my broth on Saturday night and broke down on Sunday and ate five meatballs.  I came clean with the doctor's office in an email and my reply was,

Hello May,

Ok...so, it was very significant that you told us.  Unfortunately, because of this we will have to postpone your surgery. 

Again, it is very important that you follow the phases to the book for your safety.  We need you to restart Phase II I will assume start as of today.   Peggy who is out of the office today will be calling you after she coordinates with the OR at the hospital to see the next available date after the 2 weeks from when you restart Phase II.   

Please send me back a quick e-mail to verify that you received this message.

Sorry, May however, we need to keep you safe!

Thank you,

Teressa

Pre-Op Assistant
Dr. Julie Ellner 

So five days down the drain.  Now I'm emotional, hungry and waiting for a new surgery date.  My fault, I own up to that but bummer, right?  I can do this!